Guest Review: Captain Marvel By Jeffrey Frost, Certified Doctor of Make Believe  
(SPOILER ALERT!)

    “That’s my girl!” So said some fat fan boy behind me, upon seeing Captain Marvel’s symbol pop up on Fury’s pager at the end of Avenger’s Infinity War.

     Like most fan boys, he was balding and bearded but hopeful for a bright future. Or any future at all after watching Nick Fury flake into oblivion. Furys’ final act on this Earth indicative of his faith.

    He calls Captain Marvel.

    Me... I’ve been squat thrusting Winnebago's in preparation for the return of Thanos. The fan boy in the theater behind me, obviously a fan and avid reader of Captain Marvel was far more optimistic than the rest of us.

    And Furys’ last gasp? His final abbreviated sentiment? The summation of all our thoughts and feelings in regards to The Snap?

    Well, after the shock dissipates for even a flicker of human emotion to return... We... the witnesses, resound and finish Furys’ final words...

    Mother F......

    Let’s hope his last ditch effort wasn’t wasted on some modern filmic feminist bleeding heart vagina monologue.

    Well, I’ve seen Captain Marvel. And she’s no damn bleeding heart vagina monologue.

    So here it is. From the ground up. The writing is as tight as I’ve seen in a while considering it took me a few times to get what actually happened and that’s rare.

    So, here’s the shot. Chronologically. Carol “Avenger” Danvers, Air Force test pilot in a experimental light speed engine plane with an alien traitor named Lawson, played by Annette Benning. Her character’s a Kree traitor, Skrull emissary working on Earth to end the slaughter of the Skrulls, who are just a poor race of mischievous shape shifters that can mimic anything they see down to the DNA. Pretty scary shit. And brilliant, dry and heroic in the hands of Ben Mendelsohn. They’re just looking for a safe place to settle down and raise some pups. But The Kree, a race on “noble warrior heroes,” are trying to snuff them out of existence. Now, The Kree, of course, will eventually be hired by Thanos, who we already hate, for obvious, and aforementioned reasons. And Earth is caught in the middle of this interstellar attempted extinction.

    In the middle of this all is a young Nick Fury. And it’s great to see Nick Fury out of his element. He’s always the guy on the down, down, DOWN low. His secrets have secrets. And here we see him, making first contact, at a pay phone outside a Blockbuster video. His first run in with anything outside of typical warfare. He was in the army, a spy during the cold war... He’s seen it all, except this! And everything and anything is always cool with Samuel L. Jackson.

    So, Danvers and Lawson get shot down by Jude Law. Law’s always dangerous as an actor. His character’s dangerous too. Devious. Like a celestial swash buckler with the charisma of a cult leader. Law whacks Lawson. Danvers blows the engine, so The Kree won’t get it, and is infused with the power of the Tesseract. The Space Stone. The explosion knocks her out. She’s then kidnapped, has amnesia or her memory wiped, (we’re never told for sure) then radicalized and put into circulation as a galactic terrorist. Or... Kree Star Force. So, Danvers, she’s gotta remember who she was, come to terms with her identity as a human, take responsibility for the power she has and vanquish the Kree swine that brain washed her for her powers.

    Spoiler alert. She does it. And it’s pretty badass too.

    I think Captain Marvel is Rock ‘N’ Roll. I’m a Generation X Man. And the ‘90s were well represented. Mostly female led rock, but rock, so who cares. I notice, but I’m looking. Listening. Whatever. Never mind. Speaking of Cobain. I’m a Nirvana snob. A purest. There’s two kinds of music. Before Cobain, and after. Like The Beatles... So I guess that makes four kinds of music. But let’s move on. Anyway. I get a little prickly at the use of their music but was totally rocked at the perfectly acceptable use of “Come As You Are.” A moment when Captain Marvel faces off with the supreme intelligence of the Kree people. She free’s herself from the oppressive yolk of their control, says “I’ve been fighting with one hand tied behind my back.” Then subsequently kicks their god’s ass and breaks her chains... Then kicks all the asses of the assholes that bound her. Like Djimon Hounsou. Who’s always an anchor for any cast in any role he plays.

    And then there’s Clark Gregg. My praise is my criticism. More Clark Gregg! More Clark Gregg! Where’s Clark Gregg!? Oh, there he is in Captain Marvel being fucking dry and smooth and wry and brilliant playing all these cool hip levels for the super spy we love, agent Coleson. And he’s awesome! But then it’s over and I’m like, you know what Captain Marvel could’ve use a lot more of?... Clark Gregg! Got it? Good. Let’s move on.

    Larson’s performance is brilliant. I loved it. At the heart of it all, she’s an Air Force pilot. A military Officer. An operator. Calm under pressure. Cool under fire. An all business ass kicker with the shuck and jive of a jet-set Maverick with a mohawk.

    Every guy wants to look at her and say...”That’s my girl.” The modern day man being a slovenly opinionated stationary critic, loathing mobility and lingering in entitlement... We might just need a girl like Carol Danvers to pick up the slack.

    I don’t mind a woman saving the world when I look around the theater seeing sauce stained comic book T-shirts and pop corn buckets. Butter caked in beards with highfalutin bile in their minds. As if they could have done a better job?

    Here’s my problem with the modern day movie goer or Fan Boy. Or maybe just the millennials in the world and in the theater. They lack the ability to turn their desires and opinions into passion, so they seek to appropriate the vitality of those who can by blogging opinions and criticism and digitally dyspeptic derision at the film makers creative choices. Half these mongrels aren’t even able to squeeze their opinionated asses in the seats much less lift a finger for any real sense of artistry or expression. Only the opinion in the mind, satisfied by revulsion of action, considering the key stroke to be noble or held holy and divine. Spoken out on the line. On line it is espoused to true action and metal. Making movies and making sense of some interpretation, getting your approval or not, of the mass of source material to be distilled and quantified, simplified and exercised on the page of a screenplay to be brought to life by thousands, if not more, for the perusal, approval or dismissal of the maudlin mass of milquetoast lemmings, feigning the courage they so aptly admire, as they waddle through the bewildered horde to make their way to the concessions counter to pick up extra cheese for their pretzel bites.

     Captain Marvel’s their girl all right. Finally a super hero these pathetic fools can drool over and do god knows what else within the confines of their diluted minds.

    I wouldn’t want to have to live up to the honor of Steve Rogers, the genius of Tony Stark or the power and responsibilities of Thor, a god and a king. Hell no! Bring on the tits and ass for the drooling meat monkeys! That’s what they deserve any way. But tragically for them, and thankfully for all of us, Captain Marvel out ranks them in class and spirit.

    I never felt beaten over the head by any feminine aspects of the film. Captain Marvel’s a great super hero movie. She just happens to be a female. But any one looking for or analyzing those elements are missing the point and deluding themselves by trying to misuse the quality of art for their own issues about gender.

    And we come to my only complaint... This could’ve been the female Black Panther. I mean, it could have done for the women and all their movements about social injustice, what Black Panther did for... Ok. Look. Race, and its role in man kinds history was a central theme to the plot of Black Panther. Oppression. And the ability of the oppressed to become the oppressor through the use of technology, specifically, Vibranium. Hence, the motivation of Erik Killmonger, the antagonist. Totally brilliant.

    The historical oppression of women was not used as a plot device in Captain Marvel. I think, and this is my own humble opinion, that if it were built into the structure of the film, and therefore translated to us through actions and words, that Captain Marvel may have been hailed as a revolutionary cinematic statement for the modern woman and her fight. But it wasn’t... Because they didn’t.

    So, I guess we’ll just have to be happy that it crushed box office expectations, wildly entertained audiences, got rave reviews, lived up to the hype and perfectly set the stage for the up coming final show down in Avengers End Game.

    Go see this movie.